I need to move on

It’s not the first time I’ve stared at a blank page and felt desperate to get words on the screen. I haven’t written anything since my dog, Misa, passed away in November. I’d had Misa since she was a puppy, and she was named after Misa from the anime Death Note. I feel a sense of guilt over losing her, like there was something I could have done to stop it. I know that’s not true; Misa was old. I tried to give her the best life that I could, but I still feel like I could have done more. I could have spoiled her more, gotten her more toys, more treats. There’s not a day that goes by that she doesn’t cross my mind at some point. My other dog is also still grieving. She only eats half of the dog food that I pour in her bowl. It’s like she’s waiting for her sister to come eat.

This is honestly something that I don’t know how to move on from. I know that I must pick up a notebook or the keyboard and write again, but no one tells you how to write when you’re dealing with grief. Grief is something that everyone deals with differently, and I’ve never dealt with it well. I guess the only way to start ‘being myself’ again is to act. I must put word to page, even if that word will be deleted later. I must write something. The only thing I’ve been doing since my dog passed away is playing video games. I love video games, but every other aspect of my life has been suffering. Life doesn’t stop just because you’re hurting, so I need to deal with what happened. Writing this blog is my way of taking the first step. I will always miss Misa, but letting my passion fade won’t bring her back.

I didn't know if I should post about this, but posting about it feels right. I've been struggling a lot lately, and I didn't want to admit it. Now I feel that I have to. Yesterday something happened that devastated me. One of my dogs passed away. I knew it was going to happen soon because she was old, but it still hurt. I had Misa since she was a puppy and she was almost like a child to me. Yesterday when I brought her out, she leaned her head against me as I was bringing her. It felt almost like she was saying goodbye. She did her business more quickly than usual, and didn't seem interested in treats when I brought her back inside. A few hours later, she was gone. I'm glad her passing was peaceful, but I wish that I would have had more time with her. It breaks my heart whenever I bring her sister outside and then think to myself that it's Misa's turn, only to be reminded that Misa's gone. My eyes tear up when I spot her favorite toy, a stuffed Minnie Mouse that I got from petsmart or petco. I can't bare to move the toy yet. It's almost as if moving the toy will mean she's never going to get to play with it again. I'm grateful for the time I got to spend with Misa, I just wish her time with me would have been longer.

Quick Update

It almost feels as if I have abandoned my blog, and maybe I have. I'm mostly active on instagram and twitter now, but only to post a 'daily' picture or a quick tweet. Tomorrow is Halloween, but it doesn't feel like Halloween to me. I usually love this time of year, but this year I've been feeling down lately. Things haven't been going so well for me, which effects everything including my writing and editing. I feel like I should have a book out by now, but I know better than to rush it. I rushed Zombie Bite and that didn't turn out so well. I don't want the same thing to happen with my next book. I know what I'm feeling is temporary and it'll pass soon, but I wish it already had.

Sincerely Silver

If you follow me on instagram you'll have seen a post I made showing off a gorgeous necklace. That necklace was from a website called sincerely silver, and I am in love with it. It's the perfect delicate necklace to wear everyday. It features my name in handwriting, but there are many other designs to chose from. You can check out the website below, and I've also included a code for you to receive 15%. 

https://www.sincerelysilver.co






Use the code SINCERELY15 for 15% percent off.

Weekend Review: Veronica Mars Season 4

My love affair with the Veronica Mars tv show started about a decade or so ago. The Hudson’s Treasure Hunt near my house had gotten a shipment from Best Buy and Veronica Mars season three was among the DVDs. I usually wouldn’t watch a tv series out of order, but there was something about the box art that drew me in. I loved teen shows, but this one looked grittier, so I decided to check it out. I instantly fell in love with the characters and hunted down the other two seasons on eBay. I spent the next week binge watching and found myself disappointed when it was finally over. Season three even had a teaser for the scraped season four. I wanted more, but there was no more to be found. It felt incomplete, raw, and unfinished. I didn’t understand why they wouldn’t release whatever they had filmed. I was thrilled when I heard they were making a movie, but less than thrilled when I finally saw it. While I was grateful to see all my favorite characters back, I didn’t feel like the story was compelling. In fact, the movie was forgettable, and the books couldn’t hold my interest. I was excited when I heard Hulu was working on new episodes. That excitement only grew with the release of the trailer. I wish I could say that the show lived up to the hype, but it just left me feeling disappointed. The first thing that I noticed was use of sexual language to make the show appear more ‘grown up’. While I know she’s not a teenager anymore, it feels as if they just threw sex in to remind us of that. Another complaint I have is the way beloved characters are treated. Wallace is reduced to furniture, only there when we need reminding that he’s still Veronica’s friend. I would have preferred to see a story line where they came back into each other’s lives after not speaking for a long period of time. Perhaps Veronica could have finally asked him for a favor that pushed them apart? Weevil underwent a similar treatment, only his purpose was to show up and save Veronica. I know something happened to their relationship in the books, but I didn’t read the books. The explanation given on the show is that he took a settlement to provide for his family, but he went behind Keith’s back to do so. I know she felt betrayed, but she had to understand that he was only taking the money to take care of his wife and child. Other characters had cameos just to show us that they still existed. The storyline itself is the weakest of the series. There’s a bomber in Neptune who doesn’t like Spring break. It doesn’t sound boring, but it could have been wrapped up more quickly than it was. None of the new characters were really that interesting either. I’ve read articles saying that Matty is just like Veronica was when she was younger, but I didn’t think so. I think the show went out of its way to tell us she was, but whenever they tried to show us it was always through other characters. Wallace’s knowing smile when she was talking to the hacker is one example. We never needed these cues with Veronica herself. I want to say something about the ending, because I feel that it was not only a slap in the face but a kick in the face. Logan is killed by a bomb after right after he and Veronica finally tie the knot. A beloved character was killed off because Rob Thomas wants the show to go a more noir route. Well, I don’t know if he’s noticed but the show is called Veronica Mars and not Mars Investigations. A big part of the show has always been Veronica’s personal life and now it seems like she’s starting over. After all the characters have gone through, they deserved a happy ending or at least a happy beginning. Whenever I loaded up a new episode I was greeted with Kristen Bell’s voice welcoming me back to the ‘magical world’ of Veronica Mars. Well I think there’s no magic left in Veronica Mars, in fact, season four felt like a pilot for a spin off that I don’t want to watch.   

My Library Doesn't Support Indie Authors

I remember going to the library at least once every week when I was younger. I would walk out with an armful of books. I participated in every summer reading program and the librarian knew me by name. I devoured Goosebumps, The Babysitter's Club, and the Sweet Valley Twins before growing too old for them and moving on to other works of fiction. I stopped going to the library as much when I moved, but the library still shaped me into the book lover that I am today. When I started to take writing seriously, I knew I wanted my books in the library. I would picture myself going to the library for events and book signings. I saw pictures of other authors in their libraries, smiling and holding their books. I pictured myself doing the same, beaming from ear to ear while meeting new readers. I was under the impression that the library would be supportive of indie authors, so I googled my local library and noticed a lack of author events. I thought that was strange, but decided to reach out to the library. I was shocked to find that while some libraries are supportive of self published authors, the one nearest to me is not. In my letter, I asked about both author events and how I could get my book on the shelves. I even offered to donate a copy. It didn't take long before I got an email back, telling me that they didn't usually accept self published books because they tend to be poor quality. They also said that if I donated a book they would probably sell it in their ‘Friends of the Library’ sale. Most of the books at that sale are sold for ten cents to two dollars. That changed my outlook on donating anything to the library (there’s a small used bookstore around me that I may donate to instead). While I can understand wanting high quality books, I have mixed feelings about this. Self published authors, otherwise known as Indie authors, sometimes work harder than their traditionally published counterparts. We don’t have a team backing us, and we have to work harder to be recognized for our work. We have to beg for every review, and sometimes give away our books for free just to gain readers. People dismiss us more often than they do traditionally published authors. I’ve personally been told that the only reason people self publish is because they aren’t smart enough to traditionally publish. We also have to put out our own money to make our book as professional as possible. Covers and editors aren’t cheap, and neither is growing our readership. We are held to a different standard, which makes it hard to find new readers. There’s also a stereotype that we self publish because we can’t write or that we just slap some unedited words on a page and throw our books out into the wonderful world of kindle. While there are some people who use self publishing to earn a quick buck, not all of us are like that. Some of us put out quality content. I have dreamed of being a writer since I was in second grade. I used to write my teacher little stories, and I always loved whenever we had any type of writing assignment (including daily journals). I decided to self publish because I wanted total control of my project, and because a literary agent called me by my character’s name instead of my own. I wanted to set the due dates, pick the cover, and try my hand at marketing. I also wanted to feel the smile break out across my face upon seeing my book in the library, but sadly, that day might not ever come.

Preview

I just wanted to pop in and share a preview of The Fortune Teller's Gift. I had a lot of fun writing this part, and I hope you enjoy reading it! Click here to read it!