I'm a writer...in progress

I'm an author, a writer, a person who sits at the keyboard and bleeds words all over a document. It feels so good to admit it, but haven't I always admitted it? I have a blog where I write about my adventures in self publishing. I share my many set backs and my accomplishments. I have a book for sale on amazon (Zombie Bite) and I'm about to have another book available soon, but I don't introduce myself to others as an author. I don't hand out my business cards, or do anything to bring attention to me. It's almost like I'm ashamed to admit that I'm a writer. Why? Do I feel like people will judge me or my work? Well, yes, I do feel like that. Whenever I tell people that I'm a writer I feel like I have to live up to a certain standard. I feel like I can't make mistakes and even my blog has to be 100 percent error free. At work I throw away papers that I've written on if I feel like I may have misspelled a word or that the word doesn't look right written out. I hold myself to such a high standard that I end up hiding this part of myself. Why do I do that? Is it because I get negative comments about the amount of money authors make? Maybe because I had a coworker tell me that there were plenty of writers and there was no way that I could stand out and make a living. Maybe it's because the ex that I thought I would marry showed no interest in my writing. He never once asked to read my writing, and he also never encouraged me (even after I said we should write children's books together based on my dogs). It could also be because I don't think Zombie Bite is very good. I wrote everything but the opening when I was in a dark place. I had just been through a break up and wanted to get it out there because I needed to be successful at something. I regret the way I ended Zombie Bite, but that doesn't mean that I regret writing it. I need to own the fact that I'm a writer, an author, and push myself outside of my comfort zone. I need to pass out business cards in my spare time and promote my books on social media. There will always be people who don't like me or my writing, but that doesn't change the fact that I am a writer and a published author.

Writing Couples

Happy Valentine's Day! Today is the day that a lot of people will be bringing their loved ones out for dinner, or surprising them with jewelry and oversized teddy bears. Valentine's day is a day where I normally think about couples, and today I'm thinking of couples in books. I'm currently editing Hair Of The Wolf, an urban fantasy with an element of romance. The main character, Anyssa, is still recovering from an abusive relationship (inspired by the one I was in). Writing Anyssa was hard because it sometimes brought up memories or things that I was struggling with (such as the idea of dating after being in such a relationship). Anyssa has a love interest, which may or may not turn into a relationship, and I found myself writing that plot line with care. He knew about what happened to Anyssa, but some elements were the same as writing the start of a new relationship. I don't think I'll ever write about an abusive relationship again, but I'm sure that I will write about the start of new relationships again. With the character of Anyssa it made sense for her to go through that and come out as the person she is in the book.

Why I decided to write about one of the worst things that ever happened to me

I came across an article recently asking for personal essays that involved any stage of romance, and since I am not doing so well financially, I decided to write an essay. I sat for awhile, just staring at a black screen. Anyone who's written anything in their life can relate to that, and also how annoyed they get writing the first sentence and deleting it over and over. I usually write fiction since my life isn't that interesting. Finally I thought of something, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to go there. I wasn't sure if I was healed enough to write that particular article. Would anyone even want to read what I had to say, or would they think that I was just trying to shame my ex? I thought about some of my favorite authors and started to write the article. In the past I had cried whenever I thought about the event, but this time I didn't. This time I flew through writing the article, even finding things to add when I was finished. When I was completely done I sat there, staring at my computer and thinking about what I had written. Should I submit it under a pen name?After some debating I decided to submit it under my name. While I hated what he had done to me, I knew that he had only made me stronger. I'm not sure if the magazine will publish me or reject me, but I really hope that it publishes me. If it doesn't I plan to revise the article and try again.

Comic books and angry women who don't understand them

Normally I wouldn't bring attention to something like this, but I am so annoyed with this video and many others on this woman's youtube channel. I wish I could just write her a quick comment getting my point across, but she has her comments disabled. I'm talking about this woman:

She clearly doesn't read comic books, but feels ok talking about them because she's seen someone else's youtube video. Oh, and she says Fable 2 is a video game in which you are forced to play as a male getting revenge for the death of a female family member. The funny thing about that is that I have that video game and I play it as a FEMALE character. In this video she talks about all comic books being so awful to woman because a lot of females die in the comics. Well a lot of males die too, and not only that both male and female characters frequently come back from the dead, most of the time stronger. Jean Grey is the perfect example of this, since she comes back as the Dark Phoenix. Gwen Stacey is back as Spider Gwen. This woman also keeps referencing the Killing Joke and Barbara Gordon being shot by the Joker. Yes, she does get shot by the Joker, and she does later become the Oracle (which many people look up to as a strong female character), but she also later gets to walk again and even takes up the mantle of Batgirl again. What about comics where female characters don't die? Does this woman even know there are comic writers who are FEMALE? This woman also claims that many of the male characters who died went down fighting and the female characters did not. Elecktra dies by fighting Bullseye. Just about every female who died in the Walking Dead died fighting, and I know a lot of bad things happened to some of the women in that book, but I believe that the Walking Dead portrays violence very accurately. These are things that actually could happen to people if they were in the same situation. There are many others who have, and yes some woman in comics were killed in very unfair ways, but there are many different genres of comic books and to just group them all into one genre is unfair. One of my dreams is to create a comic book. Sorry for the rant, but it's clear this woman was just looking for something to be angry about. If she happens to stumble upon my blog I would like to advise her to do research next time before posting an angry video.

Your dreams won't come true unless you push yourself

I am about to publish my zombie novel, the one that I had shared an unedited first draft chapter a few months or so ago, and I couldn't be happier about finally wrapping that up and putting it out there. I feel like I've worked harder on that than I have anything else. I plan on working on some other old novels that I have on here after that. I know that I wouldn't have gotten that far if I hadn't pushed myself, but there was a time that I wasn't pushing myself. In 2015 I had just about given up on writing. I got to do it every now and then, but my ex made it clear that my free time belonged to him. He was a person who didn't push himself. He wanted to be an artist, but it seemed to me like he only wanted to sell his art to his friends and family (people who were safe and wouldn't say that his art sucked). I often pushed him, even saying that we should write a children's book together where he could draw and I could write. There came a point where I gave up on motivating him because nothing that I said stuck with him. I became kind of mean towards him, but that's a story for another day if at all. One thing that I have not been pushing myself towards is the let's play channel that I made. I plan to do more with that soon. I'm considering playing the second season of the walking dead, since I haven't yet. The let's play channel isn't my dream though, it's just something fun to do. I already like playing games and it's fun to record myself playing them. Anyway, the point of this blog is that you can not be successful unless you push yourself to be. You need to put in the effort, work towards your goals.

Book inspired video games

I've recently been watching a lot of YouTube videos about Silent Hill (the video game, not the movie), and how it was influenced by Western horror writers like Stephan King. I'm such a huge nerd that things like that interest me, and it made me want to play the game. Sadly I do not own the game so I wasn't able to. I may consider doing a series online that is devoted to games inspired by or based on books, since I have a capture card and I'm not doing that much with it. I want to find a use for it other than selling it. I see a potential to make great content with it.

Changes

I feel part of writing a successful novel is to have the characters go through changes. To be able to write about changes you have to go through them yourself. Right now I'm going through a lot of changes. Like I said in a past post, my last relationship taught me a lot about life, myself, and what I'm actually looking for. I don't want to dwell on that relationship any longer, but it did make me start changing myself for the better. In many ways that relationship changed me for the worst. Before I started dating him I was very into foreign movies and learning about different cultures, something he was not into. I also really liked video games, but I felt that I couldn't play them with him because he always felt that he had to be the best (he would also rage quit Halo). I always felt the point of playing a game was to enjoy it. I didn't care about winning or beating the game. I just wanted to play something fun. I wanted to have fun with him as well, but I was afraid he wouldn't be happy if I wasn't good at the game. I sat out playing the latest Batman game because of it. I also didn't go back and do all the missions that I wanted on Dead Rising because of it. I also stopped going to school and the gym while with him, things that I should never have done. I'm doing those things again, and rediscovering who I am and learning new things about myself. I'm trying to change in good ways this time, and I'm learning a lot about change and myself along the way.

I'm a blank canvas

In the original draft of Hair Of The Wolf (my werewolf novel), there was more romance than there is now. Sure, there's a little flirting, but no real romance. There's a love interest, but again no romance. It's an urban fantasy, so it doesn't need romance, but I do want Anyssa to end up happy. She's been through so much that she deserves it. Why did I cut out the romance? The first answer to that is that Hair Of The Wolf is going to be part of a trilogy, and I didn't want to rush the romance. I hate reading a book where the romance seems rushed, or watching a movie where the two leads have known each other for three days. It takes time to build a relationship, even a friendship takes time to develop.  Another reason is that I have never been in love. I've been in relationships before, but never any where I thought I was in love. I've had strong feelings towards someone before, but I knew it wasn't love. Part of me isn't sure how to write about love if I've never been in love. Do I write about what I think love feels like? I am pretty much a blank canvas when it comes to life experiences. I've had some, as you can tell by reading this blog, but not as many as I would have liked. I need to have more. I need to be more carefree and experience more things. I need to think about what it means to be in love, and what it means for Anyssa to fall in love. I'm going to write about her falling in love, in fact I already have the whole second book outlined. I just need to get out more and do more things. I've heard of authors going on road trips, or doing extreme things to find themselves and experience more. Maybe that's what I need to do. I need to force myself out of my comfort zone. 

The track I'm on

As far as getting the word out about my blog, I'm on the right track. When I started this blog I knew nothing about blogging, and had maybe five hits. Now I average about 24 hits a day. I hope when I finally finish editing that those hits translate into sales. I still plan on sending my book to reviewers, and I might make business cards. I'm almost sure that I'm going to have to buy a little ad space somewhere, but I have to research that. I'm not the type to throw my money into something that I'm not sure of. I'm probably going to make a few youtube videos, one about my main character's name, and some other random ones, like answering questions if anyone has them. Maybe a book chat for those who have read my book. If I get good at Spanish (which I doubt), I'll make a Spanish edition of my book. I'd really like to have as many people reading it as possible. I'm also going to use kindle, nook, and createspace to publish. The werewolf novel that I am writing now is actually the first in a trilogy, but I plan to take a short break to write a really silly grim reaper novel, which I don't have any plans to make a series out of, but I could. I think live chats would be key in getting people interested, and I will also have to make a facebook page. I've been putting off making a website, but I know I need to do that too. Twenty four is a lot of clicks, but I still want my audience to grow. I'm also considering changing my hair to match a character's if I sell enough books. It would have to be the grim reaper book, she's got some interesting hair.

My blog does not equal my book

I don't know why I feel the need to post this. No one has questioned my blog or my writing, but I just wanted to make a post about my blog and how it differs from my writing. My blog is not polished. I have not read and reread my blog hundreds of times. I write my blog more from my emotions and need to connect with people who may like my writing more than anything else. My writing is polished. I've read and reread my own work many times. I've edited. I've thought about the story and if I like the direction it's going. I've written and rewritten chapters. I've deleted things or added them. I know it's not perfect. It's my first book, but I've put effort into it. Not that I haven't put effort into blogging. I try to blog everyday. I try to blog about things people might find interesting about writing, but my blog is different than my writing. There are typos, it's far from perfect, but if it helps me connect with urban fantasy readers than its all it needs to be.