Why did I start writing this book?

I feel so many emotions each day that I draw closer to unleashing my werewolf novel into the world, but most of all I feel the need to share information about it. I have always loved werewolves and elements of horror. I've watched the Nightmare on Elm Street movies since I was three. When I started writing I noticed that I enjoyed writing about vampires, and ghosts (in high school I wrote a poem about Freddy Kreuger that I wish I still had. It was cute). When I got older I noticed that I still loved those things, but when writing horror I had no idea how far to go with it. Did I kill all my characters? Some of my characters? What kind of monster would scare me? I noticed that most of my writing was humorous. There was a period after high school when I stopped writing. I didn't write any stories, poems or songs. I wish I had kept writing, there are so many things that you teach yourself through writing. I had stopped reading too. By the time I was twenty-one I hadn't written for awhile. I had a job, and at my job I met a guy. I bet you know where this is going, but at first I thought he was sweet. He seemed nice, and everyone he worked with seemed to like him (at least in front of his face, behind his back they were all telling me to break up with him). I won't go into the details of our relationship, but I soon realized that I should have followed the advice of others. He treated me poorly, and said it was okay because he didn't think I liked him that much. He even ended up getting me transferred to another department because he wouldn't stop visiting me at work. I told him not to, but he did what he wanted. It took me a long time to get over the way he treated me, in some ways I'm still not over it. I almost became a person I didn't like. I dated a few guys that I wasn't really interested in just to help my self-esteem (which he had pretty much killed). I realized that wasn't the way to go. I was wasting my time by being in relationships I didn't take seriously. I decided not to date unless I found someone I actually cared about. I started writing again, but I wasn't as good as I should have been. I wrote about a girl who turns into a fox and transports blood for vampires, but my computer crashed and I lost it. I might still have the notes, maybe I'll do something with them. I took a writing class. I wrote about werewolves, but not Anyssa. I wrote about a wolf named Leah, but I realized her story probably wasn't going anywhere. In August of 2011 I was having a rough time. I couldn't pay my rent, my school work was behind (my school was ok with that), I had no money for entertainment and ended up just staying home and staring at my walls. When you do that you end up thinking of past events. I thought of the way my ex had treated me and the impact he had on me. I hadn't spoken to him in five years. I didn't know anything about his current life, but I decided to base a character off of him. I thought of it as a way to kill the lingering feelings I had toward him. I ended up making him the main character's ex who dies before the novel starts. She had to figure out why someone would have killed him. I've never wished ill on him, and don't now, I just needed a way to get rid of my feelings toward him. The story itself turned out okay, until I did a very dumb thing. I sent my ex a message on facebook. I did it mostly to tell him about my novel. I wasn't sure how I expected him to react, but he was okay with it. He wanted to hang out again. He said he changed, he said a lot of things that I hoped were true. I still had feelings for him, so I agreed, but he was still the same jerk he'd always been. I had to stop writing the novel. The hurt was too fresh, and it's never good to write about something when the hurt is that fresh. I did fill up several journals because of him, so I was getting my feelings out. I started working on a zombie novel. I really liked the zombie novel, but something about it just didn't work. I still kept working on it, it helped me grow as a writer and find what I like to write about. In 2013 the ex who inspired the character of Trevor came back. He had a girlfriend, but wouldn't stop flirting with me, texting me. He said he'd found his sd card and he said my display picture made him miss me (somewhere along the line did he forget what I looked like?). I told him I'd give being friends a shot and agreed to hang out with him (I'm too forgiving I guess). It was the last time I saw him. I thought I'd have feelings for this guy forever, since he hurt me so much, but I didn't feel anything when I saw him. He tried standing close to me, I think he tried to hug me once, but I still felt nothing. I couldn't believe how happy that made me. When he drove me back to my car I realized that I was doing most of the talking. I had nothing in common with him. I asked him about his goals and he said he wouldn't mind working the retail job he was at for the rest of his life. I was shocked. How had I dated a man who had no goals for himself? I kept working on the zombie novel for awhile, until I took a look at my files and saw the promise in this werewolf novel. I had finally distanced myself enough from my feelings that I was able to work on the story. The character of Trevor still dies, that's how the novel starts, but he's more loosely based on my ex. It wasn't to make him seem like less of a jerk, I could care less about him, it was for me. I wanted the story to be less personal. None of the other characters are based on anyone that I know, and I don't plan to ever base another character on someone I know. I am glad that something positive could come out of a relationship with so much negative. Sorry if this is too personal for some, I just thought I should share it so that maybe more people will put their feelings into art. To be honest, Trevor is such a small part of a bigger story. Yes, she has to find his killer, but is it meant as a threat to her? Can she protect her pack from the threat? The novel isn't a romance, and I don't wish anything ill toward my ex.